…in one sense at least.

Emotionally it’s cripplingly sad, terrifying, oddly comforting in some small way, and so debilitatingly confusing that I can hardly function. I’m struggling to cope just with the thought processes needed to type this out. Physically it’s so shocking I believe it’s comparable to what it would feel like to go without sleep and food for a week, then being ducked in an ice bath, and all the while catastrophically loud and invasive noises are being made uncomfortably close to you, yet far enough away to fill you with a shattering paranoia.

And I didn’t see it coming, I reveled in it, even though it could only have inevitably ended one way, which i didn’t realise until it did.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY. I’VE HAD VERY LITTLE SLEEP IN THE LAST FIVE DAYS OR MORE, SO I’M TIRED AND ACHING AND IRRITABLE. BEC’S PISSED OFF AT ME AND JUST POSTED ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE’S DOUBTING ME AND OUR RELATIONSHIP SO I’M TERRIFIED AND ANNOYED AND UPSET. MY SKIN HAS BEEN SO AWFUL FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS WHICH JUST COMPLETELY KNOCKS DOWN MY SELF ESTEEM AND MAKES ME INSECURE AND CRANKY AND STRESSED, WHICH IN TURN MAKES MY SKIN WORSE. I’M STARTING TO GET SICK I’M PRETTY SURE BECAUSE MY HEAD IS JUST THROBBING LIKE A LATENT THUNDERSTORM, MY NECK ACHES LIKE A MOTHERBITCH, AND I’VE GOT A GENERAL UNWELL FEELING IN MY THROAT AND STOMACH. SO I’VE JUST TAKEN WAY TOO MANY PAINKILLERS AND I’M LYING IN BED HATING MYSELF FOR NOT WANTING TO WAKE UP. I COULD HANDLE ANY OF THIS WERE IT NOT ALL AT ONCE, BUT IT’S ALL JUST MASSED TOGETHER AND PUSHED ME DOWN INTO A DARK PLACE THAT I’M SUPPOSED TO BE FREE FROM AND I JUST FEEL SO WEAK AND AFRAID. I MAY NOT GET OUT OF BED OR TALK TO ANYONE TOMORROW. OH AND MY PHONE IS FORCING ME TO TYPE THIS POST IN CAPS LOCK, JUST ANOTHER LITTLE THING TO PISS ME OFF.