…in one sense at least.

Emotionally it’s cripplingly sad, terrifying, oddly comforting in some small way, and so debilitatingly confusing that I can hardly function. I’m struggling to cope just with the thought processes needed to type this out. Physically it’s so shocking I believe it’s comparable to what it would feel like to go without sleep and food for a week, then being ducked in an ice bath, and all the while catastrophically loud and invasive noises are being made uncomfortably close to you, yet far enough away to fill you with a shattering paranoia.

And I didn’t see it coming, I reveled in it, even though it could only have inevitably ended one way, which i didn’t realise until it did.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY. I’VE HAD VERY LITTLE SLEEP IN THE LAST FIVE DAYS OR MORE, SO I’M TIRED AND ACHING AND IRRITABLE. BEC’S PISSED OFF AT ME AND JUST POSTED ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE’S DOUBTING ME AND OUR RELATIONSHIP SO I’M TERRIFIED AND ANNOYED AND UPSET. MY SKIN HAS BEEN SO AWFUL FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS WHICH JUST COMPLETELY KNOCKS DOWN MY SELF ESTEEM AND MAKES ME INSECURE AND CRANKY AND STRESSED, WHICH IN TURN MAKES MY SKIN WORSE. I’M STARTING TO GET SICK I’M PRETTY SURE BECAUSE MY HEAD IS JUST THROBBING LIKE A LATENT THUNDERSTORM, MY NECK ACHES LIKE A MOTHERBITCH, AND I’VE GOT A GENERAL UNWELL FEELING IN MY THROAT AND STOMACH. SO I’VE JUST TAKEN WAY TOO MANY PAINKILLERS AND I’M LYING IN BED HATING MYSELF FOR NOT WANTING TO WAKE UP. I COULD HANDLE ANY OF THIS WERE IT NOT ALL AT ONCE, BUT IT’S ALL JUST MASSED TOGETHER AND PUSHED ME DOWN INTO A DARK PLACE THAT I’M SUPPOSED TO BE FREE FROM AND I JUST FEEL SO WEAK AND AFRAID. I MAY NOT GET OUT OF BED OR TALK TO ANYONE TOMORROW. OH AND MY PHONE IS FORCING ME TO TYPE THIS POST IN CAPS LOCK, JUST ANOTHER LITTLE THING TO PISS ME OFF.

but it’s been a busy week

Day 9 Two smileys that describe your life right now:

:|

and I can’t figure out what smiley represents tiredness…        zzz                                                                                                        -__-

that will do

Day 10 One confession:

I feel like a fraud sometimes. I’m supposed to be better, I’m supposed to be past all this. And I act all confident and hopeful and people seek my advice and my words like I’ve got all the answers, but I’m so lost. I’m just a self-indulgent poet who thinks he can help people, but some days I struggle just to keep my head above water, to put on that smile and tell other people it will all be okay. I’m supposed to be stronger, to be able to cope with it on my own. But sometimes, I still feel like I’m drowning, sometimes, in my weaker moments, I still wish I didn’t exist.

1. I am just about the gayest straight guy you will ever meet. Most people on first meeting me think I am gay, and I don’t care. I like my unique sense of style, and overdressing for everything, and I like being completely outrageous all the time.

2. I LOVE books. I live for words, and my ultimate dream in life is to own a bookshop/coffee house, and hopefully expand it into an independent publishing company.

3. My sister is my best friend and my favourite person. We have the best relationship.

4. I have more than the average helping of crazy. I used to be depressed, borderline bipolar, and I have a mood-related personality disorder amongst a myriad of other issues. But I went on medication and now I know how to cope with all of it.

5. I like to give names to inanimate things, such as my guitars- Oscar, Theo, Magnus and Remus.

6. Speaking of which, I just broke a string on Theo, which is incredibly frustrating and I can’t be bothered replacing it right now.

7. I was born in the little known country of Oman, but my parents are Australian and I have lived in Australia since I was a baby.

8. I like stationery waaaaaaaaaaaay too much. Kikki K would come in close to the top on a list of my favourite places.

9. I document my life in a notebook. Just about anything that happens, as long as I have somewhere to write it down, I keep a record of it. I also write a lot of letters.

It’s been a very busy few days for me, and I feel tired but refreshed. I was hanging out for the weekend for so long, I needed it to get me back on my feet, and it was everything I wanted it to be. Saturday started well, went to Bec’s, she’d just got out of the shower when I got there. We haven’t really gotten to spend much time together lately, so we had amazing, mind-blowing sex and then just layed around in bed for a while. It was so comforting, I instantly felt so much better than I had all week. Then we got really domestic and baked cupcakes and cooked curly fries for lunch, and watched Lord of the Rings. It made me so happy but also a little bit sad because I think if we lived together we would have days like that all the time and I realise that we will probably never get to do that. But it was such a good day so even that couldn’t get me down.

After I went home, I had Liam’s 18th that night, so much fun! I don’t see that crowd enough, not since we all worked together, and it was so good catching up with everyone, as well as making new friends. I definitely have to start hanging out and partying with them more often. For the most part I stuck to my no drinking, apart from Mitchell making me do a Tequila shot, and I was probably the most sober person there. I love being able to just dance the night away, and the best was when it started raining and the few of us left out there just kept dancing and getting absolutely drenched, before finally giving up and going inside shivering and cold and blissful. Then there was more tequila which I decided to forego, and we went to bed, and between Alisha’s hilarious laugh and trying to reenact The Mysterious Ticking Noise, it took us all about 2 hours to settle down and fall asleep.

On Sunday we started dragging ourselves up from about 7 onwards, some people looking slightly worse for wear than others, and watched Spongebob and infomercials for a while. Mitchell left to go pick up Hannah and Caitlin, and myself, Justin, Sara, Alisha and Justine went for Macca’s breakfast, looking incredibly shameful and loving it. I got home around 11.30, showered and lazed around for awhile, before having delicious home-made pasties for lunch, courtesy of mum. Parents went out for a while, and my sister came home from her boyfriend’s house, so we decided to go out. We just drove around for a while, before going for a walk down the foreshore and to the marina and seeing the cute little puppies at the pet shop. Started getting real cold on the way back, so we stopped for a ridiculously over-sized vienna at Dome. I don’t really remember much else from Sunday, I was in a haze of tiredness.

Monday, woke up early and super keen for the sports carnival, after it being postponed twice because of bad weather. I made a headband and some wings for my shoes, but was unable to find anything green for a cape. Got to school and immediately got lots of admiration for my winged shoes. Managed to get green zinc and hairspray from people at school, so I was totally getting into the team spirit, especially since it was my last carnival ever. And it turned out being the best one ever. First off ran in the 20 x 50m relay, and then shotput and triple jump. I was happy with my effort in triple jump, I came 4th with 9.95m After that I decided to run the 800m, which nearly killed me being so unfit. Had to collapse and nearly spewed right after. Javelin and long jump were shortly after, I came 4th in long jump, which I’m usually dreadful at. I ate way too much crappy junk food at lunch, felt so sick. Then high jump, which is my best event, although I hadn’t done it in about 3 year so I was nervous, especially since the starting height was 1.5m. But I was the first to clear it, and only 7 people did all up. I ended up coming 4th in that as well, but would have gotten further except I injured myself. After the height got raised the second time, I slipped on my first jump and really hurt my foot, so my next two attempts were crap and I got knocked out. I was hoping for second against Josh Forrester who is an absolute champion, and as soon as everyone else got out he raised the height to 1.7m and managed to get to 1.75 before he couldn’t make it. Then had shotput, and I went in the 1500m because its kind of a tradition for all the year 12’s to take part. We jogged fairly slowly and were close to the back for most of it, but then for the final 100m or so a few of us had a piggy back race, which me and Ryan won and can claim bragging rights to forever. Then the relays were the last, I had to drop out of the 4 x 100m relay because of my injury, but Gordon (my house) dominated yet again. We ended up winning which was so great. Usually we come second because we just get so many people to participate in every event, but we’re fairly crap at sports, but this year we had the added bonus of actually winning a lot of events. All in all it was a great day.

Tuesday wasn’t worth mentioning and now its Wednesday and I’m home sick and wishing I didn’t have to do my Physics and Chemistry assignments. Wow, that was long-winded.

So, my girlfriend is going to the UK in february, for 8 months to a year. We’ve talked about what might happen a little but not properly discussed it. For now we just want to have fun and be as happy as we can while we know we still can. But it scares me so much because I don’t know what I’m going to do without her, even if we decide to stay together and try long distance. Somehow I don’t think we will though, and I don’t know if I could handle being with her, but not having her around. She’ll be leaving about a week before we hit 2 years together and its going to be a messy goodbye. I know that having a break will probably be good for both of us, we’ll learn how to be independent again and discover a lot about ourselves, but even if we say we’ll try and pick up where we left off when she gets back, I think it will be hard, especially since she might end up moving there and I’ll probably be roaming the country. I really love her, and I just know I will be a complete wreck when she’s gone. I’ll probably spend at least the first month crying and drinking myself into oblivion. But hopefully I can get to Sydney and spend time with Brent, that will help.

And noone reading this has any idea what I’m talking about probably. It’s nice to get things off your chest sometimes though.